Myself and I – At last together
By Siddana Kouros.
I think that I’ve been waiting all my life for such a day with you. I think that you too, hidden deep inside me for all these years, also believed that you would get the chance, in this life, to show me who you are. You coveted the moment we could be together. Well, you might have been, while I was afraid of it. You knew from the very beginning, although being put aside in a dark and dull corner for so many years, that you would at least get a chance to spend a whole day with me.
I could see how much you wanted this, because throughout all these years, you showed patience and persistence by supplying me with signs, making yourself visible for me to see. I missed a lot of these signs, I also ignored many of them and I even rejected some of them. Sometimes out of ignorance and some others out of conscious thought.
But you were determined. You were there. You intended to solidify your presence in order to finally get my attention and get your time with me. Time, which was so deprived from you, and time, which supported by your whole being, you thought you deserved to have with me.
I was afraid of you. Yeap, I told you in the very beginning. Although I knew that deep inside me there was something else, other than the one I am now, I was at first unable and then afraid to see it. I was scared that I would be derailed, that I would be forced to forsake everything I knew for me up to this point, that I would just find out that the only thing that was there, is a big vacuum, emptiness! With myself, right in the middle of this emptiness, helpless and alone, floating in the middle of nowhere, just like being in a black hole, no beginning and no end.
But you didn’t back down. You were waiting patiently for the right moment, because you could see from the very beginning that vague light coming through that little crack, in the place you were. You’ve been focusing on this fainted light and not on the darkness that surrounded your place. It was this little ray of light that kept you alive, and you weren’t going to give up on it.
As time passed by, the marks were more intense. Your pressure became unbearable. I was feeling uncomfortable. “What is happening?” I was wondering. “I am sure that something is wrong”. “Either I am not myself or I am losing it”.
You knew exactly where to put pressure on and you were just waiting for the moment that I would put my trust in you. It was so important for you but meanwhile so difficult for me. How could I trust something that I might not like? How could I trust something that I didn’t have the slightest idea what it was? How could I trust something that it might not be me??
You had already achieved your initial goal, which was to make me understand that you are there! Your signs were now unquestionable. It was then that I decided to look for you. And what a decision I made! Maybe the best I had made so far in my whole life. But fear was prevailing and I thought not to look for you on my own. I needed somebody who could show me where to look and where to begin my search from.
Luckily fοr both of us, I came upon an exceptional ‘teacher’. A ‘teacher’ that could see you from the first moment, a ‘teacher’ far more different from all others I had met. She welcomed me with a big smile and a warm hug. A hug that was not like any other hug I’d experienced so far. Warm and calm, but above all, inspiring confidence! She knew right from the beginning, what I was supposed to do to reach out to you and see you. She knew that, what you were trying to show me was to trust you! I saw the room you were locked up. It was in great depth and really dark, so she did warn me that because of these facts, I would have to give my best to reach you. I would have to search, dig, get myself dirty, carry out debris and junk, just to open a path and make space for you. “Because it’s dark there, expect to find nothing but ugly things, expect no easy way to do it, to walk along this path. But you can take your time and dig as deep as you can, carry out and clean as much as you can handle each time, I’ll stand by you!” she told me then.
Some years have gone by, from this first meeting with my ‘teacher’. In the meantime I found other people who were also digging and searching and wandering through their own labyrinth. I was impressed that I wasn’t alone, I was happy that I wasn’t alone, I was relieved that I wasn’t alone!
In my way towards you, I got lost countless times. I got hurt and frustrated with things I had to either confront or pass by. Things I couldn’t imagine they were even there, stuffed up and difficult to move, like an enormous pile-up. Many times I questioned and doubted my efforts and some others I just subverted them. But now I wasn’t alone in this effort of mine to reach out for you. I had beside me apart from my ‘teacher’, my new friends as well. Yes, the ones that were digging and searching in their own labyrinths, the ones I mentioned to you before. Their support was crucial!
Some of them were ahead of me and some others behind me, but hey look, everyone was willing to help me, in their own unique way, sparing me with his/her precious time, off his/her own digging, just to stand by me and encourage me to go on, without asking for anything in return. So many were the times that we, together, carried out debris and junk! Oh so magnificent, I am grateful to them!
Contrary to my friends and ‘teacher’, was my mind! It wasn’t helpful at all. It put many obstacles in my path and I came up with the conclusion that it was it, that couldn’t make space for you to be present. Many of the things you showed me were against it. Many times it put me in doubt about your presence and in doubt about myself. Countless times it was there to criticize me and overwhelm me with thoughts and words, just to keep you invisible to me.
But this time was different. You reached out with your hand. The little crack that was letting the vague light to enter the room was now a hole! Not so big, but big enough for you to get your hand out and reach for me. To be able to touch me for the first time!
You picked up an ordinary Sunday; at least that’s what I thought, when I got up in the morning. I was with my friends dancing that morning when I saw you. I reached out and grabbed the hand you gave me through that hole of yours. You reminded me, while dancing, how lively you were. I was alone with you. My friends were around me, but I was only with you. The sounds of the music rhythm made you look brighter. In every move of yours, I was feeling you closer and closer to me. You were clearer than ever! YES!! I could see you! I was dancing with you! I laughed on the inside many times, relishing each moment with you. I was a bit anxious of you staying long enough, to be honest, but I put it aside and I let myself enjoy the day.
You showed me some more things I had to take off of my path, to be able to see you even clearer, and I made a promise to you at that time, that I would not stop trying to make way for you. The best part though was kept for the end. I could finally and honestly confess to you, what I was truly longing for. What you were longing for. What???Wow, I was longing for!!
Suddenly I noticed something strange. I wasn’t thinking at all! Only a few fainted thoughts had passed by, all day long. I was with you the whole day, but hey, hold on. Wasn’t I supposed to feel joy? Wasn’t I supposed to feel excitement? Why didn’t I feel some kind of sorrow, even though I knew the day and the moments with you, were coming to an end?
There was no feeling. There was no feeling??? But how is it possible??
The only thing I was feeling, was being full in my emptiness. Emptiness so intense and calm, on the same time! Only now, I wasn’t feeling helpless in this emptiness, I wasn’t feeling alone, and you know why??
Because this emptiness is me! I am not afraid to afloat alone with me anymore!
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